Hey there all you crazy dames and gents! This here's that snazzy test that gets all the cool cats flipping their lids and airing their laundry. But whether you're knee-deep in dirt or dancing with angels, we're sure that you'll be positively tickled by our sultry little survey.

DISCLAIMER: The Gateway will not collect any of the statistics from the Purity Test form, neither individually, or in aggregate, and the results from the Purity Test won't be sent to other parties without your consent. Get down with your bad self in confidence.

Pleasure at Midnight
Here you'll find dirty deeds done in the throes of passion.
Have you ever held hands?
Have you ever parked at make-out point?
Have you ever porked at make-out point?
Have you ever kissed someone without knowing their name?
Have you ever had a hickey?
Did you try to cover it up with a scarf or sweater?
Have you ever had a handjob?
Blowjob?
Footjob?
Nosejob? (unless it involved cosmetic surgery)

Have you ever had sex?
...or are you still a virgin?
Have you ever made whoopee? (you pussy)
Have you ever had anal sex?

Have you ever sailed the red sea?
Did you drink from it?
Have you ever engaged in BDSM?
Did you use your safe word?
Have you ever been in a three-way?
An orgy?
Have you ever passed out during sex?
Because you were too drunk?
Because you were being choked?
Do you practice safe sex?
Do you practice abstinence?
Do you practice "restricted access"?

Have you ever had sex ...
in the shower?
in a hot tub?
in a public swimming pool?
while standing?
in the wheelbarrow position?
Have you ever done it doggy-style?
While a dog watches?
While a child watches?
Was it for educational purposes?

Have you ever heard someone have sex?
Did you masturbate to it?
Was it your parents?

Have you ever had sex outdoors?
While there were other people around?
On a roof?
Was the roof on fire?
Was the sex on fire?
In Quad?
During the affordability campout?
Were you still wearing your red scarf?

Have you ever contracted:
chlamydia?
the clap?
syphillis?
genital warts?
HIV?
A child?
A plumber?

Have you ever taken Cialis or Viagra?
Because someone told you to?
Because you bought it cheap in Mexico and wanted to try it out?
Because you suffer from Erectile Dysfunction?
Did your boner last longer than four hours?
Did you have to consult a physician?
Did you try drinking until you passed out to get rid of it?

Have you ever had sex in a car?
Was it fast and furious?
Was it too fast, too furious?
Did you Tokyo drift?
Were you gone in 60 seconds?
Have you ever had sex on the hood of a car?
In the trunk of a car?
Alone?

Have you ever grinded with someone in an animal costume?
Have you ever had sex with someone in an animal costume?
Was it Guba or Patches?
Have you ever broken the half-plus-seven rule?
Have you ever gone for sloppy seconds?
Dirty thirds?
Uncomfortably dry fourths?

Have you ever made out during a movie?
Ever had sex during a movie?
Ever had sex in a movie?
Did you see the movie?

Have you ever lied for sex?
Cried for sex?
Because you needed the tears for lube?
Have you ever paid for sex?
Prayed for sex?
Did you give someone an "immaculate" conception?

You masturbate.
Have you ever masturbated to porn?
A photo?
In the Gateway?
An illustration?
Of a furry?
In public?

Have you ever fallen asleep masturbating?
Masturbated to fall asleep?
Masturbated for medicinal purposes?
Claimed that your ejaculate had medicinal powers?

What is your one-day wanking record? (enter one point for each time after the first)
What's the greatest number of times you've had sex in a 24hr period? (two points for each time after the first)
What's the greatest number of partners you've had sex with in a 24hr period? (three points for each partner after the first)

Have you ever taken someone's flower?
How many letters of the alphabet have you collected?
Have you ever slept with members of the same family?
Your family?
Twins?
Conjoined twins?
Siamese twins? (you racist)

Have you ever had sex at university?
In SUB?
In the SUB elevator?
Did you break the elevators so you could finish?
In Rutherford?
Were you respectfully quiet?
In Cameron?
In a lecture theatre?
During a lecture?
In the teepee in Quad?

Are you the reason the age of consent got raised? (stay away from my daughter, you sonofabitch)
Did you lose your MySpace account recently?
Did you secretly get it back?
Have you ever poked someone on Facebook?
Did it get you laid?
Have you ever tweeted about your sex life?
During sex?
Have you ever been invited to a party in someone's pants?
Over Facebook?
Did you decline? (thanks a lot, Julie)

Have you ever watched porn?
Produced porn?
Reviewed porn?
Have you ever listened to porn for the blind?

Have you ever prorogued sex?
Have you ever offered to bail someone out of their underwear?
Did you get to show them your stimulus package?

Have you ever been in love? (Awwwww)
Have you ever lied about being in love?
To get sex?
To get a discount?
To try and get points on that last question? (hint: it didn't work)
Have you ever broken up with someone?
In person?
Over the phone?
By ignoring them?
With a knock-knock joke?
By claiming to be gay?
By claiming to be straight? (we're an equal opportunity media outlet)
Did you update your Facebook status immediately afterwards?



Gutter Gang
Recalling your sordid stories involving mind-altering substances.
Do you smoke?
Because it makes you look cool?
Because you fucking hate other people's lungs?

Have you ever been drunk?
Have you ever been crunk? (what is this, 2005?)
Have you ever been so drunk that you've thrown up?
In a bar?
On the bar?
On someone else?
In a hotel?
In an outhouse?
In a cab?
In a bartender's tip jar?
Into your half-empty pint of beer?
Did you finish the glass anyways?

Have you ever invented your own drink?
Did it catch on?
Can you get it at Dewey's?
Only on Thursdays and Fridays?

Have you ever smoked the reefer?
Did it give you madness?
Have you ever been high on:
Salvia?
Mushrooms?
Acid?
Glue?
Gas?
Paint?
Ecstasy?
Speed?
Cocaine?
Meth?
Heroin?
Crushed dandelions because someone told you that it would get you "mega stoned?"

Have you ever brewed your own beer?
Distilled your own moonshine?
Grown your own weed?
Cooked your own meth?
Discovered a new drug?
Have you ever been to a hookah den?
An opium den?
Have you ever peddled dope?
Have you ever been cracked up, smacked up, or otherwise on the Johnny?
Have you ever felt the freedom of taking a puff on a cool, refreshing Virginia Slim?

What's the earliest you've ever been drunk?
before noon
before 10am
you just didn't stop
What's the earliest you've ever been stoned?
before noon
before 10am
you couldn't stop because the demons were chasing you

Have you ever chugged a beer?
Shotgunned a beer?
Bonged a beer?
Drank a 40?
Finished a two-six?
Have you ever done a body shot?
Out of someone's cleavage?
Out of someone's crackage?
Have you ever snorted alcohol?

Have you ever been so drunk that you couldn't talk?
that you couldn't walk?
That you passed out?
That you pissed yourself?
That you shit yourself?
Have you ever had alcohol poisoning?

Have you ever gone to work drunk?
Have you ever drank on the job?
Have you ever skipped work because you were too drunk?

Have you ever hotboxed a car?
A bathroom/sauna?
A tool shed?
Have you ever constructed your own pipe?
Out of produce?
Out of lighting fixtures?
Out of a larger pipe?
Have you ever built a bong?
Did it require complex physics?
Did you still fail your physics midterm?



Fools Dine on Friday
Do you have any gross and guilty tales of gluttony?
Have you ever eaten an entire ham?
Did you get asterisked out of eating the last bite by the hotel maid?
Eaten the last slice of something you didn't own?
Eaten all the slices of something you didn't own?
Have you ever eaten something past the expiration date?
Have you ever eaten somebody's leftovers?
Off of an abandoned table?
Out of the garbage?
Have you ever eaten somebody's remains?

Have you ever had food poisoning?
Because you knowingly ate tainted food?
So that you could lose weight?
Did it work?

Have you ever eaten a whole pie?
In a single day?
On Remembrance Day, out of respect for those who fought so hard so that you could have that pie?

Gone to an all you can eat buffet?
Eaten until they closed?
Eaten until you closed them?
Eaten until you threw up?
Sued the restaurant for not getting "all you could eat"?

Put on the freshman 15?
Worked it off?
Kept it on, plus added a sophomore 60?
Eaten a Wildcat donair from Marco's? (may God help your bowels)
Drank the leftover sauce from the bag?

Do you eat All Bran?
Because it keeps you regular?
So that you can pass a drug-filled condom?
Have you eaten Trix as an adult? (silly rabbit)
Have you ever counted calories while considering eating?
While considering drinking?
While considering a blowjob?

Have you ever gone to the food bank?
Because you were too cheap to buy food?
Because you were too lazy to buy food?
Because you needed the cans to build a phone?

Have you ever participated in an eating competition?
How many saltine crackers can you eat in a minute without drinking anything? (enter one point for every cracker after the first three, and trust us, your educated guess is way off)
Have you ever eaten an entire animal?
Because you didn't want to waste anything?
Because they said it couldn't be done?



D for Delinquent
Can we bring you home to meet mother?
Have you ever rumbled?
With the Socs?
Have you ever started a bar fight?
Ever started a street fight?
Did you pick Blanka? (you cheap bitch)
Have you ever played hooky?

Have you ever started a fire?
In the Australian Bush?
Because a Koala looked at you funny?
Because Billy Joel didn't?

Do you have a tattoo?
Is it a tramp stamp?
Is it someone's name?
Are you no longer dating them?
Someone's phone number because you didn't have any paper?
Do you have sleeves?
Pants?
Classic evening wear?
A full chest tattoo?
A full back tattoo?
Is it a Dragonball Z mural?

Have you ever had a piercing?
Eyebrow?
Tongue?
Navel?
Nipple?
Prince Albert/Princess Camilla?
Have you ever gauged your ears?
Have you ever gauged your cock/clit?
(Did you think that meant measuring it?)
Have you ever gauged someone else's cock/clit?

Have you ever fired a handgun?
A shotgun/rifle?
A machinegun?
An RPG?

Have you ever shoplifted?
Tresspassed?
Broken and entered?
Committed armed robbery?
Have you ever knocked over a bank?
Knocked over an old lady?
Did you apologize?

Have you ever stolen a song from a jukebox by hitting it just right?
Stolen from a coke machine by hitting it just right?
Stolen from a prostitute by hitting it just right?
Are you the Fonz?
Have you ever jumped a shark?
Did it ruin your career?

Have you ever punched someone?
Did they deserve it?
Because they stood under your umbrella?
Did your hit feature T-Pain?
Have you ever been slapped?
Have you ever slapped someone?
To challenge him/her to a duel?
To publicly humiliate him/her?

Have you ever punched a pigeon?
Because it was looking at you funny?
Because that bread was meant for ducks?

Have you ever been tased?
For fun?
For erotic fun?
Because you don't speak English?
Did you survive?

Have you ever been pepper sprayed?
Hit with a baton?
Subjected to police brutality?
Subjected to police nicety?

Have you ever pirated music?
Have you ever pirated a movie?
Have you ever pirated a Saudi Oil tanker?

Have you ever carelessly idled? (you badass, you)
Have you ever been caught speeding?
Urinating in public?
Murdering in public?
Looking sooooo fine?

Have you ever tagged anything with graffiti?
Is it actually legible?
Was it in a bathroom stall?
Was it adding to the poo log in CAB? (but only if your poop was really worth a mention)
Was it the Listen bird?

Have you ever gambled?
Did you lose?
Can you get it back?
Have you ever cheated ...
on a test?
in a card game?
at a casino?
on a significant other?
on the Purity Test?

Super Bonus Lightning Round
The last chance grab for points.
How many Purity Tests have you taken?
Have you ever had a negative score on the Purity Test?
Have you ever used the Purity Test to increase your Purity Test score?
Have you ever tried to hook up with someone based on their Purity Test score?
Because they answered yes to anal?
Because they answered yes to virgin?
Have you ever tried to pass off somebody else's Purity Test score as your own?
Was it lower than your actual score?